My Monster Attitude

I keep waiting for life to resume back to normal instead of being banned from our basement due to the flood and banned from our backyard until we are able to get rid of all the poison ivy. I find that I have unbridled anger stewing within me and it feels like there's a monster dwelling just below the surface of my skin. I want to be supportive of Paul taking on new endeavors with his photography because I know he is talented, but I hate the backlash I get at home from the kids missing Daddy, especially when he's here most of the time! I guess we've all gotten out of sorts with our schedule being thrown out of wack and our bodies tired from battling poison ivy and sleepless nights and problem solving through our circumstances. I'm weary.........is there really rest for the weary? There's the promise of a new day, but I find that each new day brings the same tiring schedule with it and I just want to break free, to stretch my arms, to play "hookie" to my life. I want to share my feelings with someone, but I find myself unable to think of who that person could be; who are my friends? Who really knows me? Who do I really know? I don't want to have to explain myself to somebody....to clarify that I'm not asking anything of them, just wanting to share, not be a burden. I'm so busy being a Mom and now working at the kid's school part time, that I don't have time to even invest in an ongoing friendship it seems. So, is loneliness my own fault, or is it from years and years and years of attachment issues due to my parents' divorce and me being moved all around constantly having to leave the friends I was beginning to have relationships with? I'm trying to make good choices, to renew my energy and be a better and healthier person for me, Paul, and my kids, but I'm finding it hard to do. I have enjoyed the two yoga classes i've attended at the Y.....very helpful in taking away some of the stress I feel. I talk to God, I unload my burden to Mary (my therapist, NOT the mother of Jesus =-). I still think that I have a lot to learn about what it means to love because I'm not doing a very good job of it around the house and I'm letting the "monster" out. Maybe I'll be able to love better when I'm not fighting myself, when I can accept my shortcomings and forgive myself like I forgive others........I don't know right now. I'll leave with a quote from my daughter's school newsletter: "Our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life." I'm pondering on that quote and not feeling very pleased with my reactions to my life right now.