The Armstrong Family Circus

published and designed by Wiseacre Design Studio

Maineville • Ohio • USA

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Why do I hate lawn care so much?

Sunday June 7th 2009

by Paul Armstrong

This is just Saturday chores


If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook you know how much I hate taking care of our lawn (and taking care is a lose translation for "do just enough so that our yard isn't a field of tall weeds rising 12 feet in the air").


It's not so much that I hate grass, I have nothing wrong with grass as an entity. Its harmless and adds a necessary balance to the color palette of the world. What I hate is the suburban obsession with taming the grass. Somewhere between the turn of the century's we went from being content to have our own shelter/homes to spending $1000's upon $1000's of dollars manipulating the nature around our homes.


It's been my chore for over 30 years to weekly cut the grass. Who knows how many miles I've walked, how many tons of grass I've decapitated, how many gallons of gas I've helped get etched into the environment and countless wasted dollars on something as frivolous as making nature conform to us. I have so many more important things to do as a father and husband, and human being quite frankly, than spend my time and money taking care of grass. Grass ought to be allow to do what it does, otherwise we shouldn't have grass at all. Its like plastic surgery.


So naturally I've compiled a list of things I'd rather have in my yard than grass:

  • rocks
  • asphalt
  • used couches
  • an open sewer
  • smoldering tires
  • Vern Troyer
  • AstroTurf
  • a beer lake
  • My Little Pony™'s
  • green Christmas tinsel
  • broken and disjointed Garden Gnomes
  • pieces of paper with grass drawn on it
  • the collective agony of Cubs fans as personified into mushrooms
  • green sprayed painted dirt
  • pipe cleaner
  • pillows
  • your grandmother's underwear
  • the actual film footage from any Uwe Boll movie
  • someone else's grass



Comments for "Why do I hate lawn care so much?"

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one.
Your list has me in stiches.

Vern Troyer is actually part of my yard. He is pricey, though.

I'm with you on the grass. We're trying to landscape everything so i don't have to mess with that crap anymore. When it gets hot, i want to die.

I hate yard work. I hate trimming hedges. I hate whacking weeds. I hate mowing grass. Really I just wish I could let it go wild. But the other home owners have formed some sort of association to keep me from doing so.

Actually I only keep doing the yard work because I think it's good for me. I'm not sure how but I keep telling myself that while I'm drenched in sweat in the Florida summer sun.

i don't mind yard work, but I have a small yard which is nice. I also use a manual mower that takes no gas.

Also buck up to the suburban way of life, mister or I will have to report you to the association.

I brush my teeth and wash my face every day before and after bed. I shower almost every day. I shave about every other day and cut my hair about once per month. All in all, I figure that it's about 30 minutes per day of body maintenance ... and I would never consider not doing it.

Yardwork is in the same category for me ... regular required maintenance. I mow about every 1.5 weeks, edge every month, and shovel when it snows. It's really not that big of a deal, especially if I shave and shower afterwards ... my mind just lumps it all together!

I've heard the same strategy presented for use with daily exercise, but haven't quite bitten on that one yet. Just sayin' ... perhaps a change of perspective could make yardwork a bit more bearable. Or perhaps you could just stop maintaining the lawn so much and just lump it into the "beard" category!

I vote for a beer pond with a beach for 'My Little Pony™'s' and garden gnomes to party on.

love that opening photo, brilliant.

I too despair of the lawn fetish syndrome, amazing what brain conditioning can wreak.

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