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The Laws of Parental Inevitablity

Friday May 7th 2010

by Paul Armstrong

They'll need a crane


There's the Law of Thermodynamics, Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation even Murphy's Law, but over the last 11 years I've learned that there are intrinstic and unavoidable laws governing the parental universe. Laws which by merely defining them, make them obsolete; like trying to see yourself in the mirror with your eyes closed. They are elusive and wholly disparaging, but knowing, as they say, is half the battle.

  1. Principle of Bathtub Defecation

    If a subject is of the ages of 2 years or less and has within the last thirty minutes previously unharnessed their bowels, the act of putting said small entity into water will cause more defecation into the bathing facilities. The amount of expelled matter is always congruent to the mass of water, duration of being in the water and the delayed reaction of the parental unit (to observe the evidence of ass-bubbles).
  2. Principle of Telecommunication Amplification

    When any telecommunication device — a cell phone, a telephone, a front-door visitation — is engaged to communicate with another person the volume of noise of the surrounding bodies will amplify exponentially in relation to the importance of the ensuing conversation. This law is not dependent upon preexisting conditions, usually an area of 50 yards will be completely vacant and silent, but the moment any communication is detected, that area will become infected with clatter. The volume is usually specifically directed at the communicator in the form of "Mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy" for what the child perceives as some action that requires immediate attention (yet near universally is so unimportant that on 15,000 occasions a mouse-fart has been more important).
  3. Principle of Predetermined Activity

    Whenever one plans an activity many days, weeks or months in advance of the actual activity date — such as a weekend horseback riding, or having friends over for a nice dinner — any number of unplanned situations will supersede said event and thus preclude the activity from being possible. Superseding events most often include hospital visits, vomiting, death, pregnancy or automobile accidents involving garage doors.
  4. Principle of Escalating Malfunctions

    If one household appliance malfunctions a range of two or three more household related items will require immediate monetary solutions. This most often includes dishwashers, dryers and refrigerators coupled with plumbing or electrical issues. An added theory involves when said family unit has boasted out loud of their recent financial stability, often including the purchase of something atypically expensive.
  5. Principle of Secrecy Revelations

    Telling a secret to a young and seemingly innocent child — such as telling the tiny being that a neighbor is annoying, a mother-in-law talks too much, or a friend sometimes drinks too much — the information receiver (who almost always tends to be shy and "not a talker") will inevitably repeat said secret to the person whom the secret is about.

  6. Principle of Shopping-Motivated Clothing

    The more necessary an article of clothing is for a kid to wear the more likely the child is to "love" something while in the store (especially if their verbal and emotional agreement with said clothing is extravagant and overtly complimentary) but declare their absolute loathing and hatred for the clothing when the requited time to wear it occurs.

  7. Principle of Spontaneous Food Preference Inversion

    Food presents a number of theoretical laws; most important is the principle related to spontaneous inversion of food preferences. If a parent has served a certain food that is by all evidence sincerely and thoroughly enjoyed by a child, there will come a time — usually when a parent is tired and worn out for a long day and lack of sleep and most likely an onset of a cold — when a child loudly proclaims that said previous favorite food is now the worst, most disgusting and horrible creation of edible horrors ever created.


What are some principles in your parenting household?




Comments for "The Laws of Parental Inevitablity"

So true. We are only two years in, but I'm certain all these 100% apply.

You meant principle, not principal.

Maybe I do mean principal!

No, I don't. I wrote this when I was tried from about 5 of those "principles" happening in one evening. This solo-dad stuff is tiring, and aging, and excruciatingly long. I'm not cut out for being a stay-at-home dad.

I thought maybe you'd written it after a few principal applications of an oral anaesthetic and depressant.

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