There's a girl in our neighborhood who every so often comes around to our house. She rings the doorbell. Knocks on the door. She waits and waits. My daughter, a few years her senior, hides away in the dining. Gazing (unsubtly) out the front window, behind the drapes. Peering. Waiting.
Of the few things I remember as a child, some of the most vivid memories are actually dreams. I remember jumping into the air and flying, with my own dogs viciously chasing me, and eating me (ok, yeah, my pattern of horrible dreams goes way way back). Another common dream (that I think many people have had) was how sometimes I was unable to move; like my legs where molded into clay. Slow, trudging steps. Barely able to move.
Communication is very important. Obviously without it we're isolated individuals without an outlet to be heard or to comprehend what we hear. Communication exists regardless of how we intent it to be received. Verbal or visual, we all communicate. Just some of us are more clear about it.
Getting older means reflection. Memories. Eventually you pass that half way point, where you have less life (on average, obviously any of us could die at any time) in front of you than behind you; and you inevitably wonder how useful, purposeful or important of it was. Not just that, but you analyze why you are who you are now, based on your fragmented memory (and in my case, as hazy a frosted window) of the life now long past.
So this is how Christmas will be from now on. Not forever mind you. Little by little, year after year. Things are taken away. The pattern we grow up with, of what Christmas is and means; the joys and excitement, the traditions, gets replaced.
I've worked alone for 9 years. In a voluntarily solitary space. In front a computer with occassional music playing. I've chosen to be a lone. Without directly interacting with other human beings much more than being "around" them at grocery stores or in client meetings or at the moments between walking in and out of church.
It takes having your own children to see the twisted and warped views that were subtly instilled within you (and that you often unknowingly shackle on your kids).