Armstrong Family Circus

Recap: LOST 'Dr. Linus' (S6, E7)

Paul — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 08:20:19 EST

A man without action is nothing. One can talk about how good he is, but without the results of doing good, words are menaingless. And throughout our lives without a good dose of grace we're sure to fail. To do what is selfish. To pander to the expectation that we're unable to do good. Without grace there is no redemption.

Let's Chat, Shall we?

Our flash-sideways focuses on Ben Linus — or now known as Dr. Ben Linus, high school history teacher. He has a douche principal (aka Walter Peck from Ghostbusters) and a prize student in none other than Alex.
Arzt is still an annoying pillock yammering about lab coats and old equipment — he reminds me that person you want to stab in the eye.
Ben lives with his ailing father. As they eat their frozen dinners they talk about what life might be like had they stayed on that "island" with the Dharma Initiative people.
John Locke puts ideas into Ben's head (about becoming principal). That can't be good.
Ben is given the juicy gossip that the principal is having some fun with the school nurse (on school grounds) and decides to use this as blackmail to take over as principal. Good 'ol Ben; still willing to do anything for power.
The principal counters by stating that if Ben goes through with the threats, that Alex will not get a very kind letter of recommendation for Harvard (or was it Yale or Princeton ... ?)
Ben decides on helping Alex, more than helping himself (though he does get himself out of detention duty). A man of his word, no longer a man of power.

Meanwhile, back on the island:

Ben (fleeing the Temple incident) has run into Ilana, Miles and Sun. Ilana doesn't trust Ben; about the whole how Jacob died thing; and asks Miles to touch the ashes (of Jacob) to see how he really died. Oops.
Ilana decides to make Ben dig his own grave.
Not-John-Locke makes his appearance to Ben; the tempting fruit, and removes his shackles and promises him the complete control of the island, if he just runs and comes with him.
Ben runs, Ilanan follows. They have a little stand off, a few tears. Ben shows contrition. Remorse even. He confesses to killing Jacob, because he was so angry, so hurt, so cast off. He says he plans to go with Locke because no one else will have him. In an act of extreme grace, Ilana says "I'll have you" ... and they walk back to the beach.
Ben is a changed man. Redeemed. Forgiven.
Jack tells Hurley to take him to the Temple. Hurley sorta kind doesn't want to, know you, because of Jacob saying everyone is dead. But along the way they run into Richard.
Richard says not to trust a word Jacob says; but I think he just needs a hug.
Richard also doesn't lead them to the Temple like he promised (oh yeah, well, they're all dead there, sorry) but instead to his very own Black Rock. He looks at the chains and walls; assuming he himself must have been shackled? He begs for Jack to kill him — why? Because he can't die.
Apparently the touch of Jacob grants eternal life. Richard can't die — or kill himself . With Jacob dead, Richard feels all his following, doing and faith was for nothing. There is nothing to live for, and Jacob's promise to tell him what "it all" was for is gone. So he wants to die. He wants Jack to kill him.
Jack agrees, gets out some dynamite and lights it. "Let's talk"
Jack tells Richard that they won't die (as the wick continues to burn) because he saw that lighthouse, and that mirror and the names and this whole time Jacob had been watching him and had brought him to the island. For a purpose.
Jack is a man of faith. The wick defuses. They don't die.
Ben is reunited with Sun and Miles on the beach (frankly, they look disappointed he's not dead). Hurley, Jack and Richard come to meet them there (in a scene we've seen many times before). The pan between Jack and Ben is poignant.
Somewhere off the coast of the island a submarine approaches, with guess who — Charles Widmore (what!?)

Loved it. Two characters completely transform — Jack becomes a man of faith, Ben becomes a man redeemed. Perhaps a team. Perhaps this was the plan all along. We learn that Jacob's touch grants some sort of eternal life (but everywhere, or only on the island?). We learn that Ben was still on the island in alternate world, but left at some point — where one assumes after the island somehow "sunk". Why did they leave? When did they leave? One must assume "the six" that Ilana mentioned (as candidates) are Sun, Jin, Kate, Jack, Hurley, Sawyer (Locke being dead, and Sayid having turned to the dark side). What is Widmore after? Why is he back? For Ben? Does he know about Jacob and Esaus/Not-John-Locke? What his role be?

Good stuff, as fas as I'm concerned, what did you think?

Recap: LOST 'Sundown' (S6, E6)

Paul — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 13:39:40 EST

Sometimes being a good person isn't enough, if you're a bad person in just one way. Sayid is a good person. Except he has a nasty habit of seeking violent revenge on those he feels have "wronged" him. It doesn't matter which world or reality he occupies, his name is always Vengeance.

The Revelations:

Our Flash-Sideways focused on Sayid. And things are much the same, except different (where have we heard that before? Oh right, all the flash-sideways ...)
Nadia is back, but married to Sayid's brother Omar. She's unhappy, he's unhappy, his brother's unhappy.
Keamy is also back. And still a douche. Sayid seeks revenge for his brother's sake. Not much different than his "hit-man" days with Ben — ah, the memories.
Meanwhile back at the Temple — Sayid visits with our friend Dogen, who convinces Sayid to kill NotJohnLocke/Esau with a special knife, with the explicit direction of not allowing him to speak before plunging the knife into his chest.
Claire appears in the Temple, saying this and that about John wanting in and her baby and blah blah — they put her in a pit where she will put the lotion on it's skin ...
Sayid attempts to kill NJL, but doesn't because NJL speaks. His also gives Sayid a message to send to the Temple-dwellers. Leave now or die later.
Kate returns to the Temple, learns from Miles that Claire is there; gives Clairsseau a visit and tells her that she took Aaron off the island. I'm sure this will come back to haunt her, as Clairsseau is completely insane.
Dogen talk about how he was duped into coming to the island (by Jacob) to save his son (but Dogen would forced to stay forever on the island). Sayid then drowns him. You know, revenge.
With Dogen and Lennon out of the way, Blackie comes storming through killing everyone in his path. Kate and Miles run; wherein Miles runs into Lapidus and Not-Ana-Lucia, who directs them into a secret compartment in a wall.
Kate attempts to "rescue" Claire, but she refesus the help (and most likely the lotion) and Blackie goes storming through on his destructive path.
With nearly every Temple dweller dead, Not-John-Locke/Esau gathers who remains (including Kate and Clairsseau) and leaves ... for ... ?

So, the battle that had been hinted about for a few seasons seems to be coming to fruition. Not-John-Locke has his army and what he probably sees as a free path to — well, that is the quesiton. Does he want to leave, or does he want something on the island? He obviously is not telilng the full truth. Interestingly Ben is not among those on Not-John-Locke's side. And it's up to Jack and Hurley to man some sort of "wall" against whatever Jacob is protecting. What is he protecting is exactly what Not-John-Locke wants.

Is the island the birthright? Are the main characters the embodiment of human foils (greed, lust, gluttony, revenge, anger, cheating, lying, etc)? Where's James? Which reality will prove to be real?

Overall, I loved the episode, it's getting weird and strange and crazy and frenzied. An epic battle which will prove to provide even more answers (though it seems pretty clear many things will go unanswered, and that's ok I suppose).

Recap: LOST 'Lighthouse' (S6, E5)

Paul — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 08:38:37 EST

Dude, did you see that thing with the names and the numbers and the reflections and the time travel and the scar and the weird glances between people and the cryptic messages and how remember in Riven when it was just like this and this guy thinks that this other guy isn't the guy who he says he is and how there's a bad person who's going to destroy everything and OUCH. I need an aspirin and a shot of whiskey ... Who's ready for this?

It will become quickly obvious that things have escalated quickly (no, no one was killed with a trident)

What We See

We see Jack observing a scar which is in this multi-verse is related to an appendectomy (but in the reality we know wasn't it due to the plane crash, when he had Kate help stitch him up?)
Jack has a son, about 11 or 12, named David. Was obviously once married (to whom?).
While looking over Christian Shephard's will, Jack's mother discovers a name "Claire Littleton" (so, that much is still true in the multi-verse)
Hurley is still seeing visions of Jacob. Jacob needs him to "bring someone to the island" for him; and bring Jack along. In very Hurley-ish behavior, he writes all the directions on his arm ...
Jack tells Sayid that the temple-dwellers wanted to poison him. My guess, that probably wasn't a wise thing to say, especially with Sayid being infected with "the darkness".
In order to convince Jack to come with him, Jacob tells Hurley to say "You have what it takes" (which we learn in multi-verse is the exact opposite of what Jack always heard from his own father, "You don't have what it takes")
Claire is batshit crazy. He killed a guy with an ax! An axe right in the gut — for not believing him that the Others don't have Aaron!
In an effort to save this poor man's life Jin tells Claire the truth, that Kate took Aaron 3 years ago (I mean, nobody knew where Claire was, we all thought she was dead, or exploded or whatever, right?) It doesn't matter, batshitClaire kills the guy anyway, which makes Jin rethink his truth-telling bit and he claims "Oh, I just made that up - don't-kill-me-crazy-lady".
Hurley and Jack find what they were sent to find. A Lighthouse (very Riven like). Inside this lighthouse is a donkey-wheel, sort of. On it are numbers and names (which I assume match what is in the cave where Esau/Smokey/Not-John-Locke too Sawyer) but as you turn the dial (which moves the mirrors) you see different things in the reflection. Jack notices it; and tells Hurley to go to "Shephard" (23). He sees the house where he grew up, freaks out and smashes the mirrors.
Jacob tells Hurley that it's ok and that basically it was all a plan to get Jack to start thinking a bit deeper about his own role in all of this island stuff. Jack just stares at the ocean (which is what any good "thinker" does)
Jacob tells Hurley not to go back to the Temple because someone bad is coming there — and that they're all going to die and there isn't anything Hurley can do to stop it (but I'm guessing they still will try because that is what Jack does)
Jin promises to bring Claire to the Temple, to show her Aaron (since he lied and says that where he is; I'm guessing he believes that they'll be able to subdue her in some way). Claire wants to bring her "friend".
Claire has a friend — and guess who it is? Not-John-Locke of course.

Awhile back, when we first saw Jacob on the beach watching the "Black Rock" sail toward the island I suspected that these two men, the ying-yang, the black and white, the good and evil; might in fact be Jacob and Esau and the island is the birthright that Esau so desparately wants back from his brother (Genesis 27:41). I'm assuming this is part of the mythology, along with a healthy does of Egyptian and Greek mythologies. I'm also assuming that Jacob intends to bring Christian to the island (which is probably be why he's missing in multi-verse). Also, the more I watch this season the more I'm convinced that Damon and Carlton are fans of Myst/Riven (and if you've never played these games, you really missed out).

Theories

Who is the "someone bad" that is coming to the Temple, one assumes it is Not-John-Lock/Esau/Smokey, or is it Claire (she is batshit crazy afterall)?
Christian Shephard is a key player.
What has happened to Charles Widmore, Dharma, the battle to get back to the island and control it -- are they all working for Esau/Not-John-Locke?
Where was Sawyer? We see NJL visit Claire, is Sawyer right behind him?
What does the Lighthouse do? Aside from "seeing" things, did it also "transport" Jacob to these areas? is it a portal? How else will this "friend" of Jacob's get to the island.
What will become of Kate. She's neither with the Temple of Doom people, nor with Not-John-Locke; she will obviously be forced to decide between Sawyer and Jack again.

What are you thoughts? I rather enjoyed some of the twists, and my PMS attitude from last week was sequelched a tad bit. What about that "next" preview — So intense we can't show you ... (lame right?)

Recap: LOST 'The Substitute' (S6, E4)

Paul — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 21:23:52 EST

Not John Locke is here to give us some answers. But then again, he's really not. We do learn a bit more about the real John Locke's life in the multiverse. We were promised "answers", right? Just making sure, because I could swear this is the series finale and a "conclusion" usually coincides with something like that.

Watch the episode again:

TAGENT WARNING: So I'm going to go on a tangent here before I get into what happened in "The Substitute". It will be impossible for LOST to ever meet our expectations in terms of addressing and satisfactorily answering the questions raised by the series; this much I'm sure of and pretty OK with. What I do expect, of most any television show (and I realize in the large scheme of life and the world and everything that a TV show is meaningless and pointless and brain-dissolving fluff, yet entertainment and enjoyment are also parts of life, and help inform our lives if we allow our brains to seek for more layers to what we watch, so there is some significance) is for the characters to change and evolve. And so far, I'm not sure LOST has done that. If anything the characters have gotten more one-dimensional (but thank God not Heroes level one-dimensional) and predictable — to the point of caricature. I think beyond the fact that we're no closer to figuring out say why and what Dharma is, the island, the multi-verse, Christian Shepherd, the whispers, who Not John Locke and Jacob and the temple people and the statue and the island being able to move and ... all of it ... we're getting regressive characters who haven't changed or learned or grown. And that annoys me. Ok ... all done now.

What We Learned

More of the alternate world showing us how everyone is still somehow connected.
Bizarro John Locke is with Helen still. That's pretty cool.
Bizzaro John's boss Randy is still a douche and fires BJ (which, is understanable) for lying about his purpose in going to Austarllia and using company funds to go.
Not-John Locke is "recruiting" (or so says Richard, who kindly declines the offer to join the team) and he convinces Sawyer with the temptation of "knowledge" to join him. Again the serpent, Eden metaphors are easy, and hopefully just being used as dressing to a fuller mythology.
A little boy appears (perhaps it's Jacob?) tells Not-John-Locke that "there are rules" and that he can't kill "him". Him who? James? Richard? He's already killed Jacob, unless it's more a statment about the fact that killing Jacob doesn't kill Jacob.
James learns that Not-John-Locke is "trapped" on the island (Why? By whom? James for some reason doesn't ask him this). Jacob kept him on the island, but for what purpose? Punishment? Who's punishing him and why?
Hurley owns the box company where Bizzaro John works (which we knew), they meet in the parking lot as John is attempting to get into his van — Hugo tells him to go to the temp agency he owns and he'll hook him up with a job.
Rose works at the tempt agency. And she has cancer.
Bizzaro John takes a job as a substitute teacher, where low-and-behold we see Ben Linus — history teacher ( I honestly thought he'd be the principal, that seems more fitting for a man of Ben's ambitions).
Lady-Who-Looks-Sorta-Like-Ana-Lucia tells Hurley and the others gathered at the grave for Dead John that Not-John-Locke is stuck in that body — but of course there is no elaboration. Why is he stuck? How can he use someone else's body? Where is his body?
Not-John-Locke takes Sawyer/James to a cave where he shows him names on a ceiling — the names of most of the Oceanic 815 survivors — apparently put there by Jacob. He tells James that Jacob has manipulated his entire life to get him, and everyone, to the island to protect the island. From what? Nothing (well, except the great deceiver known as Not-John-Locke)
Apparently Not John Locke can get them off the island with the hel of James, but of course doesn't elaborate in how — because you know it'll involve some "choice" and "consequence".

This is more and more becoming mythology and allegory, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but a huge genre leap from being mysterious and puzzling. I'm beginning to think we'll never learn about Libby or Desmond or Dharma or how Walt showed up to Shannon or the "dial" that moves the island. We'll get more of Jack being angry and crying and sticking it someone because he's Jack; and Kate running away and being a loner and crying; and Sawyer being mad and spiteful and doing something to make people push him away; and Ben being self-righteous and pathetic and unpredictably calm; and Hugo providing comic relief ... but answers, will we get answers? I'm starting to think we'll be left more confused and frustrated than satisfied (and that is terribly disappointing)

Recap: LOST 'What Kate Does' (S6, E3)

Paul — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 21:02:10 EST

An interesting repeat of an episode title from Season 2. If I can sum up anything about the sophomore episode of season 6, it's that we aren't given much in terms of revelations, but we're ushered into some interesting situations. Here's hoping that we start to pick up some steam (and answers) in the finale season (right?). Weak sauce.

Watch the episode again:

What We Learned

I don't prefer this whiny, angry-chip-on-his-shoulder Sawyer.
Did I just see Mac? Yes, yes I did (this is the other episode Aldo was referencing with Kate)
Sayid is "infected" (I guess much like what Rousseau had talked about?). My guess is that he's not from the correct timeline. Interestingly he's tortured the same way he tortured.
Jack is asked to give Sayid a "pill" that will make him better (or reveal who he is, or send him back to where he came from)
Nice to know that Sawyer really did love Juliet.
WHOA! Ethan is apart of this multiverse world? Wow, that really alters the timeline of what happened and when ... though, keeps the "situations" somewhat similar. Interesting.
So it's not Jack's fault? Now nothing makes sense now.
What's up with that baseball? Interestingly, Dogen (we know his name now) is very much like Jack, leading a group of people who often don't like the decisions he makes. He's making "medicine" for Sayid and wants Jack to give it to him.
Jack's lack of faith comes back; so instead of giving the pill to Sayid, he takes it himself (which apparently isn't a good idea because it's poison).
Jack learns that he has a sister; and well looky looky Clare is alive and looking like Rousseau, roaming the jungle with a gun.

What Does It Mean?

I'm not sure I know more now, than I did before this episode. Sayid ISN'T Jacob and Clare is alive on the island (and hunting people like Rousseau, probably looking for Aaron, another "A" named baby). That's it. That's all we learned.
Who are these Temple dwellers? They were "brought" to the island much like everyone else, but why?
What is the "infection" — is it the same that Rousseau talked about with her shipmates? Is there already a Sayid in this reality so this one has to be killed/poisoned to balance things out? Lennon (he's the translator guy, honest) said he was already "claimed" — one would assume by Not John Locke. Which also probably means that not everyone who came over together on 815 were brought by Jacob.
What year is this? If I'm not mistaken Kate escaped with Alex not too long before she fled the island, right? But Aldo MacMac said the escape happened 3 years ago (which makes it 2007, right?). I still hold that the "maze" they went though to get to the temple takes them on a voyage in time.

A ho-hum episode, at least to me. I was surprised when it was over because it felt like it had never gotten started. Not a good thing when you're in your final season. What are your thoughts?

Recap: LOST 'LA X' (S6,E1)

Paul — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 09:07:46 EST

Remember how this final season would reveal all the questions we had built up over 5 seasons, 103 episodes? Yeah, not so much; unless you consider parallel universes, a whole new tribe of "others" on the island and a body count like a bad revenge movie answers. LOST is back, and its still confusing as hell.

LA X Parts 1 & 2

I honestly don't even know where, or how, to start a recap. Obviously I saw what happened, I witnessed it. But comprehend I did not. I'll do my best to suss out the major happenings from last night's episode; I'll also request everyone to give me their input (because Lord knows I need it)

What We Learned

After the white-out we're made to believe that we're back on the flight to LA (ignoring the fact that Jack doesn't have that first season short-crop hair, Rose and Bernard look bloated, and Boone isn't as gaunt — but we'll attribute that to the it-isn't-real-but-maybe-it-is-real alternate timeline theory). We follow Jack and what once preceded the crash now is just some turbulence. A quick scan to the ocean and we see the island (Othersville and all) submerged, or at least hastily recreated in 3D.
Kate however wakes up, near deaf, in a tree. On the island. With Miles and James and Hurley and ... well, everyone else.
Guess what — parellel universe (as was eluded to with the manuscript "Bad Twin" in Season 2 et al)
Juliet is dead, which is Jack's fault, naturally.
Sayid is dead, which is Jack's fault, naturally.
Jacob appears to Hurley and tells him how to save Sayid (by going to the Temple, with the guitar case).
The reset didn't work, which is Jack's fault, naturally. But it actually did. Or did it? Yeah, it did. Or at least that's what Miles says that dead Juliet told him.
In parallel-world Kate escapes (big shock), Charlie gets arrested for drug possession (though, almost dies from suffocation, but doesn't — which is Jack's fault, naturally), Jin gets held for not claiming copious wads of cash. John Locke is paralyzed and sad. Jack (still with the wrong hair) has lost his father.
Noticebaly absent: Shannon, Clare, Anna Lucia, Mr. Eko and Libby.
Not-John-Locke is the Black Smoke.
Ben feels manipulated by Not-John-Locke; only when he finds out that he was tricked into killing Jacob for him, and after Richard shows him Real-John-Locke dead on the beach. Oops, sorry Ben.
The people who asked "What lies in the Shadow of the Statue?" ... sent to protect Jacob, but they sucked at it and they all died.
Lawnmower Man anyone?
Not-John-Locke is pissed and really wants off that island.
Richard most likely came on the Black Rock (which doesn't explain why he doesn't seem to age)
So, there's this temple. And in this temple is a maze. And you hear the whispers. And suddenly you're surrounded by new people and Genghis Khan and Sol Star and a fountain, or spa, or youth. And the guitar case has a fake ancient cross with an old parchment of names.
Ah, there's Cindy and the kids. They got taken by the Other Others. Or is that the Holy Others?
Sayid is still dead. And that means they're "in trouble". But wait, no ... he's awake and asking what happened.

What Does It Mean?

We're going with a new section in that this is the final season and it's high time to make insane and wildly inaccurate assumptions. You know, like usual.

I want NOT to believe that Sayid is Jacob, because it seems somewhat corny. But if Silas (which is what I call him, because of this) can become John Locke Not-John-Locke, than I guess this seems logical. Thought I'm not sure why he'd ask "What happened?" if he were Jacob, you'd think Jacob would know.
But who and why are Jacob and Silas on the island (the big question)? Perhaps it's hell, and Silas is Satan and he wants to go back to Heaven, but Jacob is there to prevent that from happening. The issue with that is why all the people crashing there? If it's hell, wouldn't there be a lot more people there? At the very least Hitler. It also doesn't seem to mesh with what the creators have emphatically said — that the island is not hell or purgatory (though, they're entitled to change their mind). Which leaves only Greek mythology.
Read up on this, the Many-Worlds Interpretation of quantum mechanics (which was incidentally created by Eels singers, Mark Oliver Everett's father) and really get confused.
I think the template maze is a path to another time and or dimension — much in the same way to find the island the helicopter had to follow precise coordinates. Who these people are, how they got here, or how long they have been there remains to be seen. I don't even have a guess.
What do we make of Christian Shepherd. His role is much more integrated than we know (I think), especially after the whole "we lost his coffin" thing.
Why is Desmond on the plane — and then gone?
What did Cindy mean by the "first" plane crash? Leads me to think that they're in the future.
Parallel World can't be real, or at least, it can't stay as it is. Much like Back to the Future II's string theory; the white-out in effect created a split in time. What Jacob, Not-John-Locke, Richard, the temple and the Spa of Youth have to do with it; who knows.

To sum up: It's all Jacks fault, naturally. What are your thoughts?

The Shunning

Paul — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 13:13:10 EST

Some of the most dreadful and deepest hurts in my life came during junior high years. As a new kid, in a new town, in a new school, I was cast aside merely for being new and unknown. The worst moment of everyday was lunch. Entering that cafeteria and shamefully walking around the tables to find that one, lonely table. With the other losers. The other geeks. The castoffs. Sadly, little has changed in the adult world. We still cast off those not like us.

During a summer Sunday afternoon in 1996, after a traditional (and excruciatingly long) church service, the men had gathered at the picnic tables to wait for lunch to be served. Children ran and played in the yard. Woman chatted and laughed as they prepared sandwiches with ham and Muenster cheese and laid out an endless array of pies. Off on a distant table sat a solitary man. No one talked with him. No one looked at him. He ate nothing. I asked my host what was going on, and in a whisper he answered, "He's being shunned".

Most of you probably already know that while in college I spent a month with 2 different Amish families. I stayed with a family in Lancaster Pennsylvania and the other family in Holmes County Ohio. During my time with the Esh family in Lancaster I was able to witness a "shunning" in progress. For anyone not familiar with the term — though I suspect most of you immediately think of this — the real life practice is something completely different (and not funny). The man being shunned had broken unwritten laws of the Amish culture. First, he worked as a teacher at a public school. Second he had a computer. Eventually he'll be forced to either repent of his ways or leave the community. All that he's grown up with, the simple and foreign way of life that he knows, will be gone.

While it might seem harsh, the Amish are actively practicing something all of us inactively do. How often do we avoid, ignore or passively gossip about someone who has broken "the rules" of our cultures. This seems to be especially true of my fellow Christians. Regardless of the sin, either specific things the Bible speaks again or perceived sins (like smoking, drinking, watched Rated-R movies), when we know of someone's faults, follies, foibles and failures; we often unconsciously "shun" them. Forget showing grace, mercy or forgiveness, or the fact that many of us are just a foolish decision away from the very thing we're appalled by. The person that is struggling with depression, the person who has an addiction to porn, that couple who is divorcing (because of an affair). Once we have the knowledge of someone else's sin, we stay away. We put them on a table to sit alone with their problems. We shun.

In our self-righteousness we believe that we're better, or beyond, the struggles of others. That it could never possibily happen to us. Rather than find some grace and mercy, we silently cast our judgements, chatter with our friends, lift up our noses and turn our backs on the "sinner". And this isn't a pessimistic attitude about the human condition, it's a truthful and realistic view that all of us are capable of the worst sins. The people we push to the sides, the cast-offs, they are us. It's time we stop shunning others because of their sins, but find the grace to realize we're no better than anyone else, we're not without sin, and invite the back to the table.

Misguided notions of personal responsibility, natural law and God's will

Paul — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 07:21:02 EST

Bad things happen to good people all the time. We pray and pray to God for help, we plead to God to interviene. We hold our breath, make a wish, and expect the outcome to always go our way. When it suits our needs we ask God for help, when it doesn't, we act as if He doesn't exist. The finger pointing always goes back up.

It's human nature to question God in the face of tragedy. Whether natural or man made, whether personal or global, our instincts tell us someone has to be responsible. On the global scale, a catastrophe (like that of the earthquake in Haiti, Hurricane Katrina or the tsunami of 2005) is immediately an accusation against God and why He either isn't good or can't exist (because a "loving" God wouldn't allow such a thing to happen). On the personal scale, we pray to God for healing or help, and when it doesn't come it's because He's not there or doesn't care (or in many cases for Christians, they didn't pray hard enough or have enough faith). The truth is we can blame God — and ourselves — at the same time; the difference is in the expectation of entitlement.

Natural Law

Tragic events of nature are without cause, they merely happen because its the natural law. The larger the catastrophe, the louder the calls to God (in most cases). Could God stop it? Certainly He could. Is it reason for God to stop all earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes and volcanoes? No. That is a request for God to completely change the world, to alter nature (and many of the things we actually love — like oceans and clouds and rain and wind) and much of what makes earth inhabitable. There isn't anything fair or just about a natural disaster, which is why its called a natural disaster — it's apart of nature and its devastating. All in all it's small-minded to disbelieve in God because of natural disasters (any more than one should disbelieve in God because they have small hands or detatched earlobes or long feet). If you don't want to be subjected to large-scale natural events, than move to places where those don't happen; and if you can't then don't be indignant when they happen.

Personal Consequences

None of us will live forever. We'll die in accidents, or heart disease or cancer. Our marriages will fail, our lives fall apart. A good number of these things are consequences to our actions (both immediate and long-term). If you smoke your entire life it's reasonable to expect that you'll die of some lung related disease. If you overeat your entire life it's reasonable to believe that you'll die from heart troubles. What we chose to do will always dictates the outcome of our life. If you marry someone without knowing them well, or because of their looks or the sex, your marriage will fail. Commitment lasts only so long without communication, trust, respect and mutual compatibility. When it's falling apart and you're praying to God to save you — and He doesn't, its more a reflection on your desperate last attempts to find a magical answer than your failure to work hard on your life and everything in it.

It's quite easy to become cynical and misguided and angry when you allow only the hurt and pain of the harsh world to paint your perspective, when their is so much more nuance, more beauty and complexity, more to be thankful for, in the world. I think at the heart of the matter we all know that the world is set against us. In a word, the world is fallen. Yet rather than look to God for guidance and hope (knowing that the world is as it is, and there is more to it than the suffereing it causes) we shake our fists in blame and turn away from God, yet expect Him to do something about the world to save us (but He needs stay out of our personal lives, of course).

It's not God's will to destroy us. It's not God's will to kill us. Nor is it God's will to intervene at every moment we ask; if He did, then we'd all truly be puppets. God's will is always and foremost to love us. The problem is, do any of us really know what being loved means? Is it love to let your children do as they please: to do their homework, do their chores, solve their problems, feed them the food they want, put their clothes on, tie their shoes, watch their every move and shelter them from all things? Instead of looking for the times when we feel God isn't their, we should be thankful for the times when He does the extraordinary and miraculous.

What the heart might want, doesn't make it right

Paul — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 21:12:36 EST

If you ever ever ever hear the phrase "The heart wants what the hearts wants", I need you to punch that person squarely in the face and fart in their mouth. There is no greater lie and selfish excuse than to envoke the wantss of one's heart (which merely means fleeting, euphoric "emotions") over what really matters — what the heart truly needs.

I don't have an answer for what the heart needs. I only know that the heart (and to be perfectly clear, one using their "heart" is merely another way of saying one's emotions and feelings) is an easily misguided and confused beacon of guidance. Yet we are all guided by our heart and our emotions. It's the easiest gauge of where we are, who we are, what we want. But without a bit of our brains, our logic, we're imbalanced; and will inevitabily make imbalanced decisions (the same applies to anyone who only uses logic and reason to make decisions). So what does the heart need? I honestly don't know; but I do know its not giving into "feelings" at the cost of family, commitment, and others.

The heart wants a thousand different things at any moment, in any situation. Without commitment, without reaosn, without some guidance, your heart is a wild animal; and it can lead to the quick deicsion that can defeat an entire family, a group friends. Which is where I lie right now. Defeated because of a wild heart. A decision. A lapse. A strain. A break.

See, my parents are divorcing, after 42 years of marriage, because "the heart wants what the heart wants". Life is always easier to handle when you watch it happen to someone else and hardly as tolerable when you're faced with it yourself (and you always always always think it wouldn't, it couldn't be your parents; until that day when it is and guess what, it's not funny, it's not easy). And I'm not ok with it.

I'm not ok with this decision. I'm not ok with the potential of having a step brother and sister that are my kids age. I'm not ok with a stepmother that is my age. I'm not ok with you exercising your demons, with fulfiling your wish to be a different father for someone else's kids — what about me, where were you for me when I was a kid? I was your kid. Where's my chance to get a redo on my childhood? I'm not ok with your heart and where it's led you.

Never let only your heart guide you.

Help, I'm stuck and I don't want to get out

Paul — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 13:40:57 EST

I suppose it's bound to happen one day (soon); I'll find myself stuck in a trend, a style, a place in time and will dig in my heels and happily concede defeat to time and aging. So, if you had to choose a single year in musical history to be "stuck" (and only listen to music from that year), which would it be for you? I know my answer ...

If I had to be stuck in any year in musical history I would without a doubt happily settle in 1993. A year that not only saw an astounding number of excellent records produced, but a time that helped shaped who I am. So here's a list of some of those albums that meant the most to me from 1993.

Radiohead — Pablo Honey
This started what has become a band I still admire and listen to religiously. By all accounts its not spectacular album, but a solid debut (and a smoke screen for what was to come later).

Smashing Pumpkins — Siamese Dream
Grunge my ass. This album is a tor-de-force; the pinnacle of the bands talents.

James — Laid
It will now become glarringly obvious that I (still) have a thing for UK bands.

Slowdive — Soulvaki
I can't believe this album is 17 years old. I'm ancient, but this album is nothing short of amazing.

Catherine Wheel — Chrome
There have been few albums that are able to pack not only an enormous "wall of sound", but also a nuanced, effortless, ethereal album that for me, stands the test of time.

Adorable — Against Perfection
I don't know how many people I've told about Adorable over the years, but not enough. A short lived, high energy UK pop band that still sounds as pitch-perfect as they did these many years ago. I'm embarrased at how much I still love this album (but not really).

The Flaming Lips — Transmissions From My Satellite Heart
The first album I heard by the band, mostly because of the single "She Don't Use Jelly", and much like Radiohead with "Creep", the band's talent was so much more vast than the one song that seemed to define them.

Nirvana — In Utero
Say what you will about "Nevermind" (it's all true), In Utero is the album that the band really wanted to make; and somehow more raw and aggressive (while tapping into the deep despair that clouded Kurt)

Bjork — Debut
How do you describe Bjork? Can you? Is it possible? I remember seeing the surreal video for "Human Behavior" and thinking how this was something entirely new. Bjork is talented beyond belief and her debut album only hinted at the varied, fanciful, mythical and mysterious world she floats in.

PJ Harvey — Rid Of Me
The first time I heard PJ Harvey I was suitably freaked out by her uncommon sound. She was seductive and haunting; singing a drama that at the moment I wasn't able to listen to; I've only come to appreciate the brilliance of this album much later.

The Ocean Blue — Beneath The Rythmn and Sound
I'm partial to TOB, since they lived not too far from where Sonya and I lived right out to college (and went to our church); this saw the band find a bright, refreshing ping to their already infectious pop sensibilities.

Merry Christmas (I think)

Paul — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 06:03:57 EST

Being older has its advantages. Driving. Staying up late. Watching Rated R movies. Alcohol (the libation created specifically for family gatherings). The ability to say "no". Sadly I believe I've let the disadvantages ruin the joy that still remains in life.

I'm trying. I really am. I'm telling myself that it's worth it. The tradition. The pretending (in spite of the knowledge of things you wish you hadn't found out about and now it just looms in the future like a giant cloud that will rain suck throughout the coming year, and decade) that you're happy and normal and comfortable. For the kids, I tell myself. For the kids. But I'm older. And things change. That fuzzy warm excitement, that literal magic I used to feel for Christmas has been laid waste to the truth that comes with aging. The stress of family drama. The stress of shopping, of spending money, of finding that fleeting amount of time to think about the real, truth, honest meaning of Christmas — Christ's birth. But it's lost behind the truth that comes with being human, with getting older. Things are never as simple or easy as it once was; and never will be (on this earth) again.

But that doesn't, or shouldn't, excuse me from attempting to find that smile. That all to rare glimmer of hope that comes from your children. What they see. What they experience. What they wish for in the world and in their small worlds. The hurt. The sadness. The dysfunction. The pretending has to be worth it for the fact that life isn't only one thing. Isn't only one way. It's not all bad. It's not all pointless. It's not all hopeless. Because of that one thing — that one thing this entire day is about.

I keep telling myself, for the kids, its worth it for the kids. So in spite of my gloom, my stress, my disgruntled old man ways, I truly wish for each of you to have a marvelous Christmas holiday time.

Merry Christmas friends.

I'm still not made of bacon and other things that may or may not have happened the past 10 years

Paul — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 10:44:24 EST

Every time when I draw close to the end of one year and embard on another, I marvel at the unexpected things that unfolded. Throw them all together into a full decade and I'm left wondering what the last 10 years have meant; and what the next 10 years will bring. It's both terrifying and wonderful.

It has been a decade of firsts for me (and probably many of you). The first decade to be married. The first decade to be a father. The first decade to be a home owner. The first decade to be a full-time laborer. The first decade to not be in school. The first decade to live in the same city. The first time I intentionally grew a beard.

It's also been a decade of things that no one could anticipate. There were terrorist attacks within our own boundries that killed more than 2,000 pepole. Coincidentally (a few days after that) I was forced from a job, and now happily work as an independent corporation of one. The Red Sox won the World Series (twice). Arnold Schwarzenegger became the govenor of California. Dane Cook (somehow) became a rockstar comedian. We elected an African American president.

It's impossible to know what will come in the next 10 years (though I'm pretty sure of several things: there won't be any flying cars, I won't be made of bacon, and unicorns will continue to hide in Atlantis until the great 111 year battle of unicorns and meat ponies where the winner takes the form of hamsters and run the world), and honestly I don't want to know or make any resolutions or predictions — not because I don't want umet expectations (though, that is partly true) but I'm learning that not knowing is often better. While the truth does set you free (from a mind that can wander to horrible places) the truth is a burden. The truth of human nature, the truth of aging, the truth of dying.

The truth is growing up is hard; downright unpleasant; but one can decide to accept the burden with a smile (and maybe hold strong to the wish that they be made out of bacon).

Humans are the worst, aren't they?

Paul — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 07:48:04 EST

We corrupt. Destroy. Liquidate. Eviserate. Desimate. We pillage. We steal. We kill. We make 3D films that point out the how humans corrupt, destory, liquidate, eviserate, desimate, pillage, steal and kill. Humans are the worst.

The Tall and Blue Of It

By this point nearly everyone on our planet earth has heard some basics about James Cameron's epic, colossal, revolutionary (or is that preachy, incindiary and bloviating) Avatar. Humans have laid waste to mother earth and naturally seek to exploit the resources of another planet, that is in habited by the indeginous Na'vi tribes. Scientist have developed the means to create hybrid Na'vi, which humans occupy by some brain sharing transference device — so that we can look, act and talk like the locals to learn their ways, gain their trust; and as the military industrial complex wishes — steal their stuff. All the typical Cameron foils exist, an unnaturally agressie military presence, the level-headed clan of scientists fighting "the man", and "the man" just looking for money at any cost.

The film is stunning to watch — especially in 3D — and for that alone I recommend seeing it in the theatre. Its hard to fathom that 90% of the film computer generated. But that's not substance. The substance of the film is rather common. Not merely because its a combination of a long episode of Mutual of Ohama's Wild Kingdom, and Dances with Wolves; but its our American history. And with that history comes the guilt of wishing things had not gone differently. Cameron wishes to obsolve his guilt, while finger-waging at the masses for not taking care of mother earth (which will in turn force us to destroy another planet somewhere else).

Do I wish we hadn't duped the American Indians, killed their tribes, taken their land, driven them to small plots of land in remote parts of the country? Of course I wish that hadn't happened, but it has. Its a nice exercise to go down the magical "What If" train; like Philip K. Dick in "The Man In The High Castle" or recently with Quentin Tarintino with "Inglorious Basterds" but a multi-millionare brow-beating us from a Hollywood studio (on land which probably belonged to someone else whom the early settlers ate their sandwiches and forced to small tents in the woods) seems disingenuous at best and overtly preachy at worst. But none of that had to do with the film itself. Did I like the film?

Here's an aside, so be ready: I'm a pretty sensing fellow. By sensing I mean my senses strongly influence my perceptions of the moment. Say for instance you're a restaurant and there's subtle smell of pinesol and throw-up wafting from the bathrooms, that destroys my ability to enjoy the food. There was a pleasant and subtle fresh perfume smell in the theatre, which aided to the crisp, clean, spotless and dirtless planet atmosphere of Pandora. I think that if that smell were of hot dogs, musty cheese and dog breath I'd have a tough time enjoying the film.

I liked Avatar. I think. But I also didn't. I felt more lost in the visuals than experienced the story. I felt entertained but also yelled at. I sympathized with the Na'vi, but had moment sof uncanny valley which reminded me of the story — which was not only reminiscent of many stories before it (and not in a bad way, afterall, it is our history to some degree) but also a guilt-laden message of "all you people suck" (but please ignore that I spent $500 million dollars to tell you this, money which could easily have been spent on the poor, the hungry, the programs and resources to help the very planet I'm preaching to you about)". I thought it was beautiful, but a shallow and simplistic manipulation, which I tried to push aside and let the story unfold and tell me something — humans are the worst, aren't they?

✮✮✮✮✮✮✩✩✩✩

6 out of 10 stars

Obligatory Best Of The Decade: Music

Paul — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 09:54:28 EST

Decades only come every ten years, which makes reflection upon those years past a necessity. Over the next few days I will attempt to post my personal best lists in music, film and television from the decade that (nearly) was — and believe me, its not easy when one has a short term memory disorder, because decades come only once every tens years (wait, did I say that?)

Honestly I had to go to Wikipedia to remember what albums had been released from 2000 - 2009, as sometimes I erroneously place an album in one year or another. These are my personal choices, not some larger than life all-time best of the decade that all people, regardless of age, sex, belief, geography or perferences must unequivocally accept (though, deep down, I really think you should). You won't find U2 (whom I think peaked with Achtung Baby) or Sufjan Stevens (because I have tried on more than 7000 occasions "get" him and I simply don't) or any hip-hop (because I don't listen to it, sorry), or pop rock radio staples (because it mostly all sucks). My list is (mostly) void of strange, obscure, so-Indie-they-might-not-exist-yet bands, but a list of music that I repeatedly listen to, day in and day out, that carries the weight of my life along with it, that speaks in the undercurrents of events, and in a way shaped who I am.

The Sophtware Slump — Grandaddy
Tight on the heels of OK Computer, Grandaddy produced a lo-fi, sonic, redneck inspired steam-punk homage to the 1997 classic. A masterpiece of musical construction paper, Elmer's glue, felt and elbow macaroni.
Kid A — Radiohead
Am I a Radiohead fanboy, yes. I don't care. I thought about including Kid A, Amnesiac AND In Rainbows (as I fnd them all stunning), but then I listened through the tracks and couldn't in do justice to how oddly placed, timed, brilliantly disaffecting and disturbing Kid A was when it was released. No one knew what to make of it. It took multiple listens to decipher the blips, repeats, echoes and undertones. Music was put on notice, and most are still trying to capture what was left revirberating (and let it be know that In Rainbows approaches the level of brilliance as OK Computer). But than again, I'm a fanboy.
Yankee Hotel Foxtrot — Wilco
This album makes just about every critics top of the decade list; and for good reason. It's stunning in nearly every regard. An almost perfect album. There isn't much I can say that hasn't been said.
Eveningland — Hem
Over the Rhine has disappointed me years lately, their music losing what I had grown to love about them - becoming more country folk infused adult contemporary than my ears care to endure - Hem has stepped in to fill the gap.
Winners Never Quit — Pedro the Lion
A conceptual album to end all conceptual albums, that summarizes the political, social and moral subtleties of the American landscape, with brilliant, understated and biting lyrics and music to wrap the package.
Figure 8 — Elliott Smith
What I consider the last masterwork of the late, great Elliott Smith. Sure he had another (post-humous) album "From A Basement On The Hill" (and the collection of b-sides with "New Moon), but it didn't come close to Figure 8 in terms of expansie, melodic music that summarized the abilities of Elliott as a singer and songwriter.
Logic Will Break Your Heart — The Stills
If you know me, you know that I love the shoegaze sound. Though its time has passed (by at least 2 decades), its effects still trickles through music of today. When I first heard Logic, I feel deeply and madly in love. Such an understated and brilliant album; that I listen to repeatedly still.
Daisies of the Galaxy — eels
The context of the album is this: a man loses both his sister and mother within the year. Depression sets in, and the man pours himself into music; a piece of his soul left within. Its at once bitter, honest, hopeful and contemplative; while somehow managing to be highly energic and enjoyable. Some people have compared eels to Beck, but don't be fooled, eels have actual substance, on top of musical talent.
Funeral — Arcade Fire
Another album that nearly instantly was considered a classic, Funeral was a combination of Bowie, Talking Heads and U2 — an anthemic, quirky, bombastic and emotional force. It is a classic, and nearly an impossible debut for any band to top.
Our Endless Numbered Days — Iron & Wine
After Elliott Smith's death in 2003, I felt that I'd not find a singer/songwriter with the passion, subtley and depth again, but Sam Beam/Iron & Wine have managed to follow the lead (Nick Drake, et al). One feels as if they're in the darkened bedroom of the singer as he reads from his notebooks of poetry about death, family and living.
Rubber Factory — The Black Keys
I was never much of a blues guy, but my friend Luke forced me to listen. Wow. They're not an unknown band any longer, but at the time I was blown away at the depth of sound and intensity two guys could make. TWO guys! An album that captures the raw energy of rock.
Transatlanticism — Death Cab For Cutie
Say what you want about Death Cab, this album was their last great stand against the commercializaton of their sound. There isn't any ground-breaking musical explorations, nothing that hasn't been heard; but merely a complete and masterful album.
A Rush Of Blood To The Head — Coldplay
OH NO, it's Coldplay — how could I? This is a great album. Maybe you hate melody and well constructed songs that you can actually sing along to; and there are plenty of bands (that will no longer exist in 3 years) for you to listen, for me Rush was and is a brilliant album; that knocked U2 off the pop king-of-the-hill.
Takk... — Sigur Ros
I don't have a clue what is being sung on any of the songs, which makes the album that much more lush and gorgeous. The mystery and ambiance that transports you to another timen and another place — like entering a world painted by Mark Rothko.
Fleet Foxes — Fleet Foxes
You are lost along the Appalachian Trail in the early spring. The sun has set and the crickets began their songs. Through the dense thicket of undergrowth you see the glowing light of a fire and the subtle smells of smoke waft your way, followed by music that could only be sung men grown in the bark of fallen birch and pine. Soothing, haunting. This is Fleet Foxes.
Vampire Weekend — Vampire Weekend
Take Paul Simon, throw in early Police and shake it up with an ivy league sportcoat and you end up with Vampire Weekend. College frat boys with a sharp wit, knack for
Ghosts of the Great Highway — Sun Kil Moon
I've been a fan of Mark Kozelek since his days in Red House Painters (in the early 90s) and Sun Kil Moon managed to take his slo-core sensibilities and meld them with folk/pop accents into a timeless story, blanketed with ghosts and sadness.

Honorable Mentions

Menos El Oso — Minus the Bear
Out of the Angeles — Amusement Parks On Fire
Apologies to the Queen Mary — Wolf Parade
Electric Version — New Pornographers
Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix — Phoenix
Bows + Arrows — The Walkmen

When it comes down to it, I just want to be distracted

Paul — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:24:40 EST

I've wrote and rewrote, deleted, started and stopped and tried every which way to write a new blog entry. All in all I'm feeling tapped, drained, empty. I have nothing to say. Nothing meaningful, nothing poignant, nothing mildly amusing. All I can think is that right now, I want to be distracted. So, we're back at it. Friday Distractions.

Aside from the fact that I'm starting to belive that the tradtional "blog" is dead (thanks Twitter), I've just been so busy with so many things that when I have free time to do anything, writing here has been my last priority (and to the 3 of you who may read this, I apologize). What I can do, is provide meaningful, humorous, intriguing distractions. So let's just do that, shall we?

Amazing Horse. Just listen. Watch. You'll never be able to listen to anything else for about 15 days. Sersiouly. You will wake up with this song stuck in your head, your brain will throw a clot, and you'll die of an anuerism. "Sweet lemonade; mmmm sweet lemonade".
The lost art of the family tree is revived with these spectacular graphic prints at My Tree and Me. Seriously thinking about picking one of these up.
I'm a tremendous fan of the work of Cormac McCarthy. He's an elusive man, but the Wall Street Journal has managed to capture a brilliant conversation with the man on his work, films, faith and aging. All I can say, is that he's a man (in the best sense of the word):

"Anything that doesn't take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing."

This is the most amazing beard in the world (and sadly, most decidedly fake)
Invisible World is just that - photos where things are taken out (some better than others).
Depression Cooking with Clara
If you've ever wondered what it was like to live in a hamster cage, well, wonder now more. France to the resuce with a hotel, Hamster Villa, designed to make you feel like your in a hamster cage.
This probably interests me, but the inventor of Nacho's, was named Ignacio Nacho Anaya - which inspried Nacho Libre (Igancio is Jack Black's character name; and nickname of Nacho).
Save Your Cats from Themselves -- "Restrain you cat with a hug, speak to it soothingly. Lift your cat's tail and gently insert the thermometer" (is she kissing a dead cat?)
I'm slightly interested and also bored with the use of the "tilt-shift" technique (which essentially blurs specific parts of an image to make them look like minatures). Real tilt-shift merely applies blur by tilting and/or shifting the lens, and can give the illusion of smallness, but not selective focus. Regardless, here are what is considered the best examples of the technique.

Somewhere along the line, I grew up

Paul — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 08:45:30 EST

Aging is inevitable. Maturing is not. Some people are older than their age, others sadly younger. As I near 40 I'm starting to realize that I've actually grown up, matured, without being old.

The problem with aging is that your experiences fill you to the point of apathy. You've seen, heard and imbibed so much of life that the edges become dull. The excitement turns into an unhealthy realism. You begin to form your educated guesses on everything, and lose the joy of surprise, of newness and wonder. You can never gain your innocence or naivity back, but you condition yourself to accept life and still embrace the unknown.

While I might be older, and watching my parents age and change, and life continue to batter me around with blindside jabs I should never allow that to burnish my joy. For as horrible, depressed, dysfunctional and hurtful as we all are (as human beings) there is always room for surprise. Amazing kindess. Amazing grace. Though I've lost my edge, dulled by years of battling, I choose to ignore my rumblings for pessimism and realism and embrace unknown. It makes life richer.

Every stone upon your back will slide onto the ground

Paul — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:52:22 EST

There it rests heavily on my shoulder, growing ever more burdensome by the day. The inevitable reality of the future — even though I don't know the exact outcomes, I know the exact realities and I don't want to fall over the edge. To be lost and left behind; to slide onto the ground. It's easy to be consumed by what hasn't happened yet. The burden of time is a stone, and by grace it will slide onto the ground and not take me with it.

I feeling every bit of my burden, but its an unnecessary weight. Time. The future. As I see my parents aging and simultaneously crumbling under their own issues, I feel myself needlessly drug into the inevitable future. The awkward holidays. The need to figure out who will care for them. The possiblity of courts and lawyers and heresay and battle after battle over the fact that two people made a vow, made a mistakes, and no longer know how to deal with themselves. The endless questions from our kids about how this happened and will it happen to us (Sonya and I). Forfeiting the confines of ingorance for an unfortunate truth; not everything is as it seems and people fail. The unknown amount of collateral damage. But none of this has happened, nor necessarily will; but I've created the burden. And I carry it heavily.

We all carry burdens. Our stones. Sometimes we pass our stones unnecessarily onto others. Sometimes we empathetically take on the stones of others. Sometimes we just hold them and hold them, until eventually they become to heavy and we fall. Fortunately life isn't meant to be lived alone, but as a community. We have to share our burden, not as a means to dump them all onto someone else, but to share just enough to give ourselves a rest. We also need to be willing to help ease the load (by listening, caring, helping) of others who find themselves exhausted.

How are you carrying your stones?

Some old communion cups and a coat

Paul — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 09:53:23 EST

Our memories will always betray us. Our memories have no care for facts. We remember things not as they literally were, but for the epherma that surround the moment. The memories become stories that treasure, new pictures of the way we felt. Moments pass and we can't hold on to them, but memories endure.

Every parent has that moment — they look at their kids and cannot reconcile the layers of images. This child, who once was two years old and barely rambling coherent sentences, now sputters dramatic, pre-teen diatribes about how much you hate them and everything is unfair. They grow up, and you can't stop it. That is a parents double-edge sword.

I know, it's such a cliché to say "They grow up so fast"; but they're clichés for a reason. While you want your kids to grow (especially when they're chewing on the very last nerve in your body that keeps you from completely losing control) as they do grow up you want it all to stop. You want to be able to somehow savor every element of who they are; they way they look, they way the talk — because you know it will flash by with the pain of aging. You find yourself desiring to "experience" and "savor" and "make special" every moment of time.

Sadly there is no way to fully "experience" every moment of life, for the mere fact that life is happening. To experience life, you have to engage. To engage you have to immerse yourself in the moment, which often doesn't afford you the luxury of absorbing the minutia of life. But that's why we have memories, not for the details, but for the emotions, the story. The memory of that time out weighs the specifics.

Don't try and orchestrate something that ultimately you'll forget (because you were too busy focusing on the details). You can't stop time, you can't stop aging, but you can absorb life as it happens and retain the painting of the memories; those will last a lifetime.

We are finding who we are

Paul — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 07:32:59 EST

It amazes me how easily we all define another person by how they aren't like us — we identify people by their differences: they're not a woman, they're not a Christian, they're not gay, they're not from California, they're not like us. We all naturally seek those that support our belief system, our culture, our world view because its comfortable and predictable (even if we like to pretend that we don't). It's time we start seeing what makes us simliar.

Uniqueness is overrated. I know I like to believe that I'm unique, I'm an individual, I stand out from the crowd, that I do things my own way; but overall I still seek out the people, the things, that are most like me (and honestly, to do otherwise is unnatural; not in a prejuidiced or hateful way, but its only natural that we identify with things that we're familiar with). Guess what? I'm not that unique. I'm not that original. I'm not some island of super-awesome-inclusion-love-acceptance-tolerance-human-machine, none of us are.

I'm big into comfort — and I don't mean comfort in terms of clothing or bed linens or shoes — comfort in my routines, my beliefs, my actions, my daily life. I like to do things the same way. I like to know that when I put our key in the ignition the car will start. When I go to the grocery store to get bread, that bread will be there. When things change, I get angry and anxious. When things aren't what I'm used to, I stay away. Suddenly everything unlike me is defined in the contrary.

We're all more alike than we'd care to think. When you strip away the traditions, the routines, the walls and shields you find that we all go through patterns of alikeness. We all have doubts, we all have hurts, we all have secrets, we all have anger and sadness, and we're all going through life pretending we have the answers yet often feel lost, alone, confused and scared. The difference between our beliefs and our traditions is what creates factions, groups or organizations. Our "beliefs" about the world, about people, about what makes us ourselves, keep outsiders from wanting to come through the door, from connecting with anyone else.

It's time we stop being so frightened things that aren't like us — liberal, conservative, Christian, muslim, atheist, gay, straight, married, single, sinner, forgiven, happy, sad — and find who we are by what makes us all the same.

Mindless mindlessness and stuff

Paul — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 12:24:49 EST

I think it's time to step back from the heaviness and deep thoughts of the last month or so and delve into something nearly everyone can get behind — new fall TV! What shows are premeiring that look promising, what shows look horrible and what returning shows are a must watch. Mindlessness, pure mindlessness; and I love it.

Every year around this time networks clammor for you attention with million dollar campaigns promoting they're more than likely horribly lame new television shows. I'd daresay the success rate of new television shows are about 20%. But there are a few gems that come along and surprise you, a few that start strong and fizzle out, and few that just look horrible from the start. Here's a list of new shows that I'm interested in seeing, old shows that I can't wait to return (or new to me) and shows that you should avoid like the plague.

Sure, why not watch that?

Modern Family — Wednesdays, 9pm ABC
Sure its completely PC in having to hit so many demographics, but the first episode was rather funny and somewhat unpredictable. The show tells the stories of 3 different families; the traditional family, the old divorcé and his young bride and stepson, and the gay couple and their newly adopted Vietnamese baby. It all ties together with lots of humor and heart. Let's hope it can sustain it.
Glee — Wednesdays, 9pm FOX
I hate musicals. Hate them. You don't understand how great my disdain for them is. But this summer when the show premiered and the buzz was thicker than Zach Galifianakis's beard, I thought I'd give the show a try (despite my personal perferences). Singing "Don't Stop Believing" sold me. Granted I still squirm and cringe at any of the sining and dancing the show is smart and funny, about more than just a high school Glee club. And I hate musicals.
Flash Forward — Thursdays, 8pm ABC
I watched the 10 minute (or whatever) intro that has been airing on Hulu and ABC.com, just to see what the marketing hype was about. I'm intrigued. The premise is that the world stopped for 2 minutes and 17 seconds, but no one knows why or how; and from there the mysteries start. And obvious attempt to build on and hopefully esclipse LOST as it enters it's season finale. Will it succeed? How do I know; but it will only if it tries to be itself, and not a copycat of LOST.
Community — Thursdays, 9:30 NBC
The pilot isn't bad, though not great. The cast seems pretty good, if not completely unified. I'm hoping the show picks up some steam and continues on what I see as some pretty smart comedy (I've always loved Joel McHale's smartass-y-ness)

Why aren't you watching that?

Mad Men — Sundays, 10pm AMC
Sure it wins too many Emmy's; and if you're like me that almost demands that you dislike the show, because obviously it can never measure up to all the hype. And while that is most certainly true, if you like more gritty, stylized, period drama; than Mad Men will appeal to you. Its one of the most complex, smooth and fully realized shows on television. Hands down.

Fringe — Thursdays, 9pm FOX
I can't stress enough how great Fringe is. I know several people have "tried" to get into the show, but its a slow building and multilayered science fiction, series drama. These aren't one-off episodes, every thing has meaning and significance and ties together to something far more interesting than what it intiailly appears to be — the pay off for your patience in realizing those pieces is tremendous.
True Blood — 10pm, HBO
Season 2 just ended a few weeks ago and Sonya and I fully emerged ourselves in every episode of the show. Now, this is certainly not a show for everyone. Its at times vulgar, at times gross, at times over the top sexual; but its truly engrossing, exciting and enjoyable. It's vampires, what do you expect?
Breaking Bad — Sundays, 10pm AMC
AMC is bringing some great series to television. Another masterpiece in the understated and complex; Breaking Bad is not just about meth dealers. Where Weeds has failed (by being too far-fetched to even suspend disbelief, and clown around with more characters and reality than soap operas) Breaking Bad succeeds.
Southland — Fridays, 9pm NBC
I thought for the longest time that there was no way yet another cop show could be any good. I reluctantly gave in and started to watch the show this summer; and wow, was I wrong. The writing is crisp, stark, honest and moving with a cast of great characters. Amazing show.
Better Off Ted — Tuesdays, 9:30 NBC
I feel this show is a worthy replacement to the void Arrested Development left 3 years ago. Its not as brilliant, but the humor, sarcasm and absurdity is firmly echoed in this great show. Instead of family dysfunction, we focus on global corporate family dysfunction. Plus there spoof commercials, for the fake coproration Veridian Dynaimcs, are amazing.
Chuck — Mondays, 8pm NBC
Chuck is just a fun spy show. Fun. How bad can mindless fun be? There's action, intrigue, romance. Just fun all around. Not bad at all when you consider its counterpart, Heroes, takes itself so seriously and attempts to out think the room as to becomes so stupid that even a hamster addicted to meth finds it stupid.

Why would anyone watch that?

Heroes
No it's not a new show, but for the love of God why is anyone still watching this show? Why is it stil on? Is there a great disappointment in a series than Heroes — from potential greatness to total what what what?
Cougar Town
I don't care what you say, this show looks so lame that I woudn't watch it drunk on a free Hawaiian vacation. Its about a cougars, a neuvo term for desparate, horny, self-esteemless older divorced women with skewed men issues and power complexes. And no its not against women but really stupid premises, and calling a show "Cougar Town". I'd rather watch reruns of Dinosaurs.
NCSI: Los Angeles
Might as well do NCSI for every city; get local actors to be in it, using the exact same script — no matter, more NCSI is a recipe for lame.
Eastwick
What better way to capture an audience than make a show based on a movie that is 22 years old. Guess again. Witch shows are more overdone than vampire shows, especially ones that 80% of the audience weren't alive or old enough to see originally. Smart move ABC.
Mercy
No more hospital shows. Please. I don't care if its good, I won't watch it; you know? Because its another hospital show, with a really lame name about doctors and their woe is me I make 6 figures and drive a Mercedes and health care today and I might be addicted to drugs and sometimes I'm gay and have affairs and punch patients; more more doctor shows.
Brothers
Former NFL stars shouldn't act (Dick Buckus, Alex Karas), no reason to think Strahan will be any better.
Accidentally on Purpose
When was Jenna Elfman ever funny? Why does she get some many chances to be quirky and unfunny? Why?

What shows are you looking forward too? What shows do you think look lame?

I learned to laugh through my tears

Paul — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 08:23:10 EST

You have to make an effort to be happy, to find joy, in the midst of hardships; otherwise a darkness begins to envelop you, swallow you whole; and you find yourself quickly lost on a road you never intended to go down.

Happiness should be easy. Laughing and enjoying life should be the simplest thing in the world, especially when there are so many things to be thankful for. Unfortunately the longer you live, the more truth you learn about people and the world, which squelches all the light and drains the joy you find in life. To have happiness, you have to actively embrace it; find ways to smile, find ways to laugh, find ways to look past the truth and embrace something greater — hope.

The enemy of hope isn't doubt, the enemy of hope is apathy. It's easy to let the darkness of life turn your life into a monotonous, tedious drone of routines, both passionless and lifeless, merely doing things because it things have to be done. I've recently felt myself slipping into these shadows. Slipping into apathy. Sitting on the train but not enjoying the ride. Sure, life is a confusing, frustarting and heartbreaking journey. People will let you down, constantly. People will fail you. No matter race, creed, age; people are people. Without hope, without a sense of which truth matters, the failures of man will become your failures, you're own excuses to be failures. Not all truth leads to hope.

The truth is we all suffer. We all have stories of pain, regret, bad decisions, hurt and deep seeded resentment. We all are petty, vindicative, trite, prideful. We all also are full of mercy, grace, redemption and joy — but only when stop using our collective darkness be our birthright.

I have no idea the direction my journey on these tracks will take me, though I'm free to move about the cabin the train stays on course. I think its time I try to enjoy the ride.

“A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us.” — John Steinbeck

What is forgiveness?

Paul — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 12:12:10 EST

There's something simple and appealing in uttering the words "I forgive you" — how it gives me that self-righteous pride in my own ability to absolve someone else's sin. Forgiveness isn't a concept but rather a transformation of the heart and mind (one that is far often more difficult than I realize).

It doesn't matter what you believe — what creed, faith, religion, lack of religion — forgiveness is an act we all, at one point in our lives, wil share in (either by nesting resentment or releasing pain). There are levels of what forgiveness means and the effort it takes to truly experience or enact it, but more often than not, I truly don't understand forgiveness.

I often hear that forgiveness is something I grant someone for myself, for my own heart, whether someone asks to be forgiven or not. I don't believe this means that I accept the actions of the person who needs the forgiveness, but that I work on my attitude, my own perceptions, my own interactions without letting it consume me. Without letting it alter me. Without letting it hinder me from relationships. But how does one do that when you've not even been asked for forgiveness? How does one inwardly change, while outwardly things remain exactly the same — the same hurt, the same pain? I guess it goes back to a very common theme, when you act as you should, eventually your heart will catch up. Right now I feel in limbo (where I neither feel forgiveness nor know how to act), and that's a confusing place to be.

When your heart and your treasure are at opposite ends your treasure always wins

Paul — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 10:00:52 EST

I'm not entirely sure what to say about what has transpired in the last 10 days in my life. What do I do? What can I do? Is there any hope? Can I ever feel complete again?

Its a sad and common story, one that every child believes their parents are beyond. A cliché. And another name in a long list of men who fall. All stories are more complex than the surface of their results. No one is without fault. There are two parties at play, and a failure in a marriage is a failure of two people. The further two people get from each, letting a seed of anger, distrust, resentment, that seed eventually grows into a massive tree that everyone sees and whose roots tangle into others.

Something that has clung to me over the past year is the idea of your heart and your actions. The Bible says "The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being." (Luke 12:34) Think of where you spend most of your time, most of your money, a place your thoughts often dwell. This is your treasure. If your actions — your beliefs — are out of sync with this, gradualy your beliefs and actions will do all they can to support your treasure. In a nutshell, a person divided cannot stand. And the tree of hurt stands waiting to either remain and cast a shadow or to be cut down.

I might be 37 years old, but the 7 year old in me feels like I'm reaching to my father, saying "Daddy" and he's turning his back and walking away. Given into the excuse that bad behavior is all he's able to do. Excuses. Justifications. Blame. Consumed by mistakes. I don't know if my dad will try to make anything right. I don't know if my mom will ever be able to forgive. I don't know what to tell my kids. I don't know if we're at rock bottom. I don't know if I'll ever be able to speak to my dad the same, if we'll ever go a football games together and talk about work, faith, life, drink some red wine and laugh. I don't know if we'll ever be a whole family again.

I know that I have to act in faith, put my treasure into hope, that things will get better so that my heart will eventually follow. But it isn't easy; not with everyone so fresh, so raw, so shocking, so confusing, so infuriating, so painful. All I can do is hope.

It takes a lifetime to build, and a day to destroy

Paul — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 07:35:14 EST

Families are built through generations and generations, but a family can be destroyed in a single day. By a single act, that turns into an avalanche and buries everyone. The truth is not always what you see or hear or get, but somewhere hidden between, and when broken people hide themselves from their own truth those cracks find a way out.

There we are, in our tiny boxes on a hilliside, putting ourselves into other little boxes. Segmenting our lives. Boxes. Dividers. Shields. Protection. We take what we know of the world, our pasts, our pain, and turn it into the truth. The truth of love. The truth of family. The truth of God. And if we're broken enough, we put that truth into a dark place and hide it.

I feel it would be unfair to reveal too much of what is happening, but equally unfair to hide (from so many people that are praying and concerned) the heart of the matter. Afterall we don't live our lives in isolation. There is a mountain of hurt and pain and secrets that have been revealed that can be devastating to a family. Truly no family is perfect, and the degrees to which are as extreme and night and day. The cracks have spread. It goes beyond the sad clichés of marriage issues into the realm of unbelievable. I wish I was ignorant of it all — pass me the blue pill, I'll happily take it (that's a Matrix reference, not a Viagra reference, so shut it). But it's out there, the truth in all its gory, harsh, disheartening, shameful detail, and it can either destroy us or bring about change and healing. Ultimately its about the truth and hiding. There are truths about our beliefs privately and truths about our beliefs publically. There are truths about what we believe about ourselves privately, and what we portray to others publically. The further those truths are from each other, the greater the tension, until it pulls so strongly that it opens a chasm. A tug-of-war between what is real and what is perceived. Eventually everyone falls in.

Please keep praying for our family. We need truth. We need wisdom. We need redemption and healing. Pray that this will not destroy us, and that hope for change will works its way through. Pray for support and accountability. Pray for the pain to not swallow us whole. 37 years of trust have been shattered, and it will take a long time for that to mend, but I have to believe that there is hope, that God can change anything, because only He can pull us up.

Christian Fatalism

Paul — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 22:00:00 EST

Sometimes great trauma forces one to actually wrestle with their faith; putting to test your beliefs and resolve with what you usually only intellectually hold as truth. Finding hope in what seems hopeless. Finding faith in what seems impossible. Right now I'm trying not to be a fatalist.

"You are a sinner."

"You are dead in your sin."

"You can do nothing good, apart from God."

"God has ordained everything."

"God is sovereign."

While all of these might be true, all of these are incomplete. But as a child (and hearing these words Sunday after Sunday, ingrained through Westminster Confession and Children's Catechism), this was all I heard. I never heard the remaining truth about grace, forgiveness, new life, redemption in Christ. I never felt hope. I was mired in fatalism. While I had knowledge and truth, the enduring sense within me was that no matter what I did God disliked me. God hated me. God was out to get me. Regardless of what I wanted or what I did, God will always whatever He wished, and that "whatever" probably would be something to make me miserable.

It's taken me decades to find hope. To find joy. To think of the full truth of what I believe and not let the nagging fatalism of my childhood consume me. Sadly many Christians still wander in a fatal faith. They believe they are no good (and live up to the standard) in an abuse of God's grace and mercy. Never more have I had to leap over my past demons than in the past week, when hope is hard to come by. We are all torn and broken people. Flawed. Sinful. That alone connects us all, regardless of what we believe, as our lives collide in the truth that we all have the potential for forgiveness and redemption. Make sure you hear the full truth.