Our TV broke on Saturday. We’re watching our portable car DVD player. We can’t afford a new one. Any time soon. Nor can we afford much for that matter. We can’t pay mortgage. Or utilities. Or bills. We have $0.
‘Tis a lovely a thing to work and work and struggle day in and day out for something you truly feel is worthy, profitable, and edifying for the family; but to still feel unstable and unable to provide food for your family. The meaning of relying on God for our needs is all to real — and it’s quite frustrating.
I haven’t been paid in nearly 3 months now. I have at the very least 5 invoices out. One I have to take some form of action – collections – to retrieve. Another is very large and very over due. The remaining equal our monthly budget. Just to keep us on our toes none of them will come in at the same time, but trickle in over several weeks, so that we can pay all the bills we couldn’t pay, plus the new one\’s coming in, and we’ll again have nothing in our account and hoping that people will pay so that we get some food.
The idea of “saving” is mostly about saving ourselves from starvation. I’m tired of this shit. Really I am. I’m wondering what God is trying to tell me in all this. I got the “dependence” message loud and clear. I got the “worthlessness of material things” message loud and clear. I got the “value of friends and family” message loud and clear. Am I doing the wrong thing? Is this not the career for me? Am I lazy? Am I not a good working? Is God mad at me? Or is this just life and how it will be for us; a constant struggle.
I don’t know. I have no answers just mind-numbing frustration and stress. I feel dead. Tired. Sick. Bitter. I feel cast aside in soot and ashes, a shameful child of God that He wishes to erase from His memory.
It’s 6:30am. I’ve been up since 5am. The other 2 night I’ve been up till 3am.
I just feel empty and worthless; not because of what I do and not because I haven’t been paid, but because this happens frequently which makes me a not a very fit provider for my family — and the alternatives are being gone from home at an office job, working 10 hours a day, possibility relocating, and most likely not enjoying the work, but hey, a steady paycheck.
It was the worst of times it was the worst of times I’m just gonna stop complaining, certainly not gracious or helpful (to anyone). Sorry.