I pee’d on a church. Well, not “on” a church, but in the bushes, next to a church. But, let me start from the beginning.
I have a weekly tradition of going to the Dubliner with Jared and Jason at 4 on Fridays. Typically I’ve have 2 pints of Guinness and smoke my pipe (I’ve tired of the tobacco I got so nothing this Friday, but that isn’t important so let me get back to what I was saying) and just talk.
I’ve not had the chance to go often since we’ve moved and I’ve underestimated the time it takes to get there and back (in our old house, it was a matter of 10 minutes away — and is considerably more, a fact I seem to wish away; and I always am about 20 minutes late). Well, yesterday I again scoffed at the time it would take to get home and poopoo’d the idea of going to the bathroom before leaving. I also decided that I’d try a new way home (taking route 42/Reading). Somewhere around Sharonville I had to pee – and I had to pee now.
So I stopped a Mobil. No bathrooms. I drove on for another few miles. I stopped at UDF … no bathrooms. My legs where numb. Every bump was torturous. I stopped at another gas station (I don’t even know what it was my vision was blurring). And, what the hell! again no restroom. At this point I was in pain and my brain was shutting down. I had grabbed and emptied the jug of windshield wiper fluid and unzipped and was ready; but performance anxiety (and the fact that it is a very very busy road) kept me from relieving myself. Then I saw a familiar place. Big. Empty. No one around but empty parking lot. Ah yes. Crestview Pres. There was no one around – no cars, no kids on the playground – so I drove to the back of the church, jumped out of the car, sallied over to some bushes and crouched down ….
Never has peeing felt so good, even this nearly sacrilegious, daresay blasphemous evacuation (shut up, I wasn’t drunk!) – it seemed like I could suddenly hear better, and see better and smell better. I jumped back in the car, a spring in my step, and immediately some cars pulled in, but thankfully there was no way they saw and I was nearly out of the parking lot.
So, there you have it, I pissed on a church, God’s house … that must mean something, about someone (shut it! I wasn’t drunk)